Relatable: Men’s Mental Health
In honor of Men's Mental Health Awareness month I want to dedicate today's Relatable post to the mental health of our male partners.
I've talked a little bit about mental health and marriage before but I really want to put the emphasis on a few actionable steps that you can take to support your male partner in caring for his mental health.
Before I dive into that I feel like it's important to say that we need to put more of an emphasis on men's mental health. We need to be better about normalizing men talking through their feelings and feeling safe to express them. I believe we've gotten better about this but with suicide rates averaging four times higher for males over females, we still have a major problem on our hands. According to the CDC suicide accounts for 80% of male deaths in the US.
This is attributed to the fact that it is believed that men deal with more stress in relation to finances, jobs and other issues. In addition many men struggle to express their emotions and process their feelings in the way that women do. This also goes back to brain chemicals being balanced, the lack of mental health care easily available (and encouraged) for men and then the fact that men just aren't encouraged to talk about how they feel. This goes back to dangerous stereotypes and it's an asset of toxic masculinity that really needs to go.
So what can we do about it?
Please note: I'm not saying that we need to fix men or that women are the only ones capable of helping in these situations. This is from my perspective as a wife and mother with ways that I as a WIFE can help my husband with his mental health. This is one perspective, it's not one-size-fits-all and I'm definitely not trying to say that if you are or are not doing these things that you're handling things right or wrong. Simply my experience and perspective.
Treat him as an individual.
I make A LOT of generalizations in this post and I'm very aware of that, so don't come for me. The reason I did such was because I was trying to cover as many sides as possible. In my case I have seen each of these things have various effects on different men in my life. They don't all work for one guy and they're not all necessary either- it's just a good list to keep in the back of your mind. At the end of the day you can't forget that not all men are the same and they each have their individual needs. It's easy to want to go into “fixing” mode when you see someone you love in a hard place but don't assume that you can or should fix things. Use this as a general guide and communicate as best you can with your loved one. Also realize that they may not appreciate or want your help, in those cases you just have to step back and pray for them and love on them as best you can. Gentle encouragement and unwavering support, even from a few feet back can do wonders.
Teach your children.
As a wife to a strong-willed man and mother to a *probably just as* strong willed boy I have been very aware of this issue lately. I think that it not only starts with being very intentional in the home about being present for your partner, but it's also important that we're intentional with teaching our kids about mental health. We should be putting just as much of an emphasis on mental health as we do physical health. Teach your kids about expressing their emotions. Be careful to not put a gender emphasis on emotions and be sure to normalize talking through your feelings. Encourage your kids to cry and let it out and be known that taking space to work through things is always okay. If we allow our kids this extra grace, love and attention they won't be as afraid to ask for it and will encourage it amongst their peers as they get older and it becomes harder to establish those patterns.
Be present for your partner.
Check in often with your partner. Don't allow days to go by without asking how they are and really sticking around for the answer. Be physically present – don't underestimate the power of putting down your phone and looking them in the eye. As women it can be easy to want your man to always make the first move but men like to be loved on too. And I'm not just talking about initiating sex. I'm talking about taking time to give them a hug, holding their hand and sneaking up with a kiss. Just letting them know you're there and that you're thinking about them can make a world of difference in feeling like they're cared about.
Become a better listener.
You need to listen not only when they're speaking but especially when they're not. I don't know about you but sub-consciously I like the sound of my own voice and it's easy for me to start rambling as soon as Dustin steps foot in the door at the end of a long day. One thing that I've had to realize is that me talking his head off or overwhelming him with information is not great for his mind. He needs space to decompress. This is a way that I can listen to him and honor his needs. When he's ready to talk, I'm ready to listen and vice versa. The respect goes both ways but this is particularly an area that I struggle in more than he does. It's also important to note that we need to be conscious about keeping our mouths shut when our partner is talking and not projecting our own fears, assumptions or disappointments onto them. Let them speak and hear them for what they have to say- in serious and non serious conversations. They need to know that you care about their thoughts and feelings and when things are hard that you'll be there for them.
Encourage counseling.
Many men tend to not prioritize counseling the way that women do. I'm not sure why this is. Maybe it's the stigma around therapy or maybe it's the fact that they don't want to talk to a stranger about their issues or admit that they may need help. Either way, I think it's important that we encourage them to go to counseling and not make a big deal out of it. By normalizing this conversation and way of healing we could help a lot of men get the help they desperately need.
Normalize medication.
In the same way that we need to normalize counseling we need to normalize medication. Sometimes you need meds to help balance those chemicals that are messing with your head. That's okay! Encouraging mental health checks and hormone panels and following that up with treatment is important. These little things could literally save a life.
Encourage a healthy lifestyle.
Mental health is still health and lifestyle can attribute to this greatly. It's not just your weight that suffers when you don't drink a lot of water, exercise and eat healthy. Your mind suffers too. I'm all for therapy and if you need it, medication, but I encourage you to encourage healthy habits to start because they can greatly improve your mental health on their own. Plus, when you have a good foundation if you need to integrate therapy and/or medication it will help you reap the benefits of those exponentially! When you're supporting your partner in this way it's helpful to do workouts or cook healthy meals with them to let them know that you care and that they're not alone.
Encourage your partner.
When you're first dating you spend a lot of time building your partner up and showering them with compliments. As time goes on that becomes less and less common, but it's still necessary! It's nice to know that you're loved and seen. Be sure to not let the compliments slide, just because you see each other everyday. In the same way you want to be encouraging about their hobbies and doing things that will make them happy and will help them decompress their energy. It can be hard when there are kids and jobs involved and you probably feel overwhelmed as is, but take turns allowing each other guilt-free time to do whatever makes you happy and you will probably see an improvement in both side's mental health and overall relationship.
At the end of the day you need to remember that you partner's mental health isn't your responsibility and you aren't to blame if they're not doing well, but it is important to be intentional about supporting them as much as you can. As your partner you want them to be healthy and whatever you can do to aide in that process, you should. Obviously this goes both ways, but I know as a woman that sometimes I forget to be as intentional with my husband's mental health as I should be. I'm often so wrapped up in my own woes and emotions that I forget to check in on him and that's just not okay. I owe it to him to be just as present as he tries to be with me.
If you are struggling with your mental health please reach out to someone, anyone and let them know how you're feeling. If you don't have anyone close to you reach out to a hotline – America's is 1-800-273-TALK (8255) – and let them know that you need support. They will point you in the right direction. I don't know what it's like to be a man but I do know that it's always worth it to reach out for help. There are people that want you here and who will do whatever they can to help you stay healthy and alive.
Don't forget to love and be loved.