For awhile, they called me boy obsessed, crazy, infatuated. All true, to an extent. I can absolutely say that in the past year it's gotten quite a bit better. I wish that I could say that I have gotten to where I want to be- able to walk into a room without making a "scope" first- but I'm not quite there yet. I know I'll be able to get there at some point, just not now.
If you've read any of my blog posts already, especially in My Diary - you would know that I went through a really rough patch this past winter. I lost a lot of people in my life, lost a lot of opportunities, and for a minute there, I lost myself. After a lot of self loathing & a lot of shame, which I let go of at the Passion Conference- I realized that I was in no place to be in a relationship. I wanted one, really badly- I still do. But, I wanted it for all of the wrong reasons. I didn't want to be in a relationship because I was looking for my husband or looking to be a part of someone's life, I didn't even want to be in a relationship because there was anyone in-particular- I just wanted someone.
I didn't want to be the girl who was left out of double dates, I didn't want to be the girl without someone to spend my weekends with. I didn't want to be the girl who was begging for attention from anyone she could get her hands on. I didn't want to be the girl who felt like she was going to be single forever. There were a lot of reasons why I wanted to be in a relationship- but none of them were right.
In reality, I was looking for someone to complete me, to fulfill me, to boost my worth.
This, my friends, is where it had to change.
Leading up to the Passion Conference I started to feel in my heart that maybe I wasn't where I wanted/needed to be, to be in a relationship. But during the Passion Conference, it was made evidently clear to me that I definitely was NOT ready to be in a relationship.
Let's go back a couple of months, I was aimlessly scrolling on YouTube- I came across a girl who had decided to take a year of her life off of guys, in hopes of learning who she was & establishing her worth in Jesus. It struck a chord in my heart, but I quickly pushed it down in hopes that God didn't see me watching that video- ring a bell? Fast forward a couple of weeks, I was speaking with one of my mentors and a woman I look up to, we went to lunch to talk about life. She *conveniently* mentioned that she also had taken a year off of men and at the end of the year, she starting dating her now-husband.
I started seeing this "year challenge" popping up everywhere. Most stories told of women finding their husbands after such a year, it truly intrigued me. I wondered if they'd figured out the secret formula.
Now looking back on that moment, I realize that was a ridiculous thing to think, BUT it really got me thinking about relationships and where I am at in my relationship with myself and God. As I started to peel away the layers, I realized I REALLY needed to do this challenge, not because I might find my husband at the end, but because I needed to heal from an idol of sorts. I realized that I needed to fall in love with who God created me to be and I needed to fall in love with God. I knew that if I didn't prioritize that now, it would not go well later on down the line.
So you'd think I would've started that challenge right away, yeah?
Like usual, I let the evil one get in my head with doubts, reinforcements of my own "power", and I let pride slip in. I said no to what God was clearly showing me and went on my merry way.
Hahaha if you have ever walked away from what God directly tells you to do, you know as well as I do that it doesn't go well. So here we are, now at the Passion Conference. I knew that God was telling me something, but I was so focused on all of my other problems, I let that one slide. As I listened to the speakers at Passion, encouraging me to step into the role God placed before me, I felt very strongly that God was calling me to drop my burdens and my needs & wants at the foot of the cross and follow him, regardless of my comfort level. I still was resistant- it wasn't how it was supposed to go. I wanted a boyfriend now. Still slightly intrigued, I knew I needed one final sign.
I was walking down the street in Atlanta, in a sea of college students, heading back to our hotel from the conference. I was walking with a friend of mine, Madelynn- I'm sure you'll hear about her again- and we were talking about what we were hearing from God. We were deciphering action steps that we needed to take going forth from the conference. When I asked her what she was feeling, she responded with, "I think I need to take a year off of boys."
Guys. My jaw literally dropped. All in one moment I was annoyed, amazed, frustrated, and in a way, not surprised at all.
Of course that's what she said.
Right then and there I knew what I needed to do. Madelynn and I decided then that we were going to take a year off of one of our first love's, boys. We started telling people what we were going to do, we got eye rolls, laughs, and a lot of sarcastic comments. But we knew that was what God was telling us to do, so we decided to be accountability partners.
Ya'll. If you do this, I would highly recommend to get an accountability partner- I can't imagine what it would be like to go through this without one.
These past two months have been AMAZING. Not easy, but it's been great. I have grown exponentially in myself, learning how to rely on God to fulfill my heart needs. I have also established more solid friendships with amazing women, who I probably wouldn't be able to give my full attention to, if I was too busy mapping out how to flirt with every cute guy in the room. I have also learned how incredible I am. I am starting to realize what traits I have to offer, recognize the things I want to work on- and work on them! I am setting standards for myself so that when I do jump back into relationships, I don't fall back into my old ways of thinking. I realize that I deserve so much more than what I was allowing myself in relationships.
I was settling for boys- not men.
Ya'll- I highly recommend that if you are struggling with your self worth, friendships, exhaustion, and a longing to have a SO over anything else, I would take a step back & consider this challenge. It's hard. Trust me. There are some days that all I want to do is unblock that one super cute guy who's been DMing me for weeks but couldn't respect my 1 year gig, so I had to block him. But then I stop and think, 1. I do not want to have to tell Madelynn that I cheated. 2. I don't want the guilt that comes with giving into a guy who doesn't deserve me, who is only there for the temporary.
Ya'll I'm learning how to set better standards, expectations, for men- but also for myself.
I need to learn how I should act & treat men, as a woman of God.
I am so excited to invite you into following my journey as I navigate the ups and downs of this year. I know I'm going to fall, I'm not perfect- but by the end of the year it's going to be so worth it.
If you're interested in participating in this challenge, comment below, email me, or DM me. I'd love to help you out & share information on some of the things I'm doing!
I will also continue to post updates on my journey here and on my YouTube Channel. I linked my 1st video below! Subscribe for new video updates every week!
Red Lip Xo's - Ri