Navigating Friendship Breakups
Welcome to the Solidarity podcast,
where we share stories to connect with one another, find comfort in life’s challenges & to celebrate the solidarity that is..
being a woman.
So today we’re just going to get right into it.
When was the last time you prayed over your friendships?
The people you spend the most time with, the people that shape you?
The people that influence how you spend your time, your money and who you pour into?
Friendships are just as important as romantic relationships and yet I don’t think we pray nearly as much over and about our friendships as we do our future or current spouses.
I’ll add onto that and take it even a step further… when was the last time that you prayed for God to take anyone out of your life who wasn’t supposed to be there anymore?
Not in a malicious or annoyed way- rather a simple request that He would open your eyes and cut ties with anyone who wasn’t leading you closer to him?
Now I’m not saying you have to be friends with just Christians, that’s not what we’re called to at all. But sometimes we are in friendships for a season and then sometimes those friendships, the ones who are supposed to be fellow sisters and brothers in Christ are no longer being kind, or building you up or encouraging you. Maybe you know it or maybe you don’t know it?
This could be compared to when God removes someone from your life that you couldn’t even see past the facade but He could and He protected you from that person or group of people. Sometimes we’re pulled towards what our hearts most desire but we push past all the crap in hopes that we’ll be accepted or wanted only to wake up one day and see how hurt we really got in the process.
Friendship breakups- whether amicable or one sided are one of the most painful and I’d argue, almost more painful when it’s a best friend, than a romantic relationship. Clearly I haven’t lost my husband and I’m sure that would be extremely more painful but my point is that when you’re deeply entwined with a person it is painful to let them go- even when you want to.
It’s a sad day when you go to share your good news with someone you love only to come to realize- through their absence- that you’re not that person for them anymore.
Whether it’s a gradual thing or it’s all of the sudden- there’s a point of no return when it hits you that it’s over. It almost worse than a breakup if we’re being honest.
Because at least with a breakup there was a purpose and if the relationship wasn’t serving its purpose it’s time to move on.
But with friendships- they’re just there. We’re present to be in community and so when we step away it leaves a gap that isn’t easily filled by a few swipes and likes.
Friendships are such intimate bonds that when we lose them we feel like we’re losing part of ourselves.
In those moments they go from someone you love to someone you used to love. Because to love is to know and when you stop knowing it is very very easy to stop loving. It’s another fabulous reason for why God is in control and not us because we are very quick to move on and forget when we have been done wrong or been left behind.
I’ve been in a lot of deep friendships and I’ve lost a lot of those to my deepest heartache.
Some of them I distanced myself from because I was tired or bored or unhappy or something just didn’t feel right anymore.
Some of them naturally fell apart as the 500 mile distance became increasingly difficult.
Some of them have dissipated for other reasons such as differing religious and political views that could not be overcome. Not for a lack of trying but simply because neither party was willing to budge, which is fine, but once the respect was ripped away with sharp words and accusations, the trust was broken and that was that.
And then some, some have truly broken me and shaken me to my core with the abruptness of the ending. I’ve been torn apart and left behind, for dead really. It may sound dramatic but it was the kind of friendship that you didn’t realize was so extremely toxic until you were on the other side of therapy. Everyone else saw it but you. It’s the kind of friendship that leaves you wondering where you went wrong. The kind where you find yourself 5 years later stalking their Instagram from a separate account because you were blocked in the heat of the moment. It’s the kind of friendship that leaves you pining and wondering what life could’ve been like if they hadn’t disposed of you. It’s the kind where you wonder what you did so utterly wrong that they would turn from loving to hating you so quickly. It’s the kind where you see pictures with other people in it and wonder “that could be me ”. It’s the kind where you will never get the answers you want and you have to live with that. It’s like one last jab to be tormented by these open ended questions- like they wanted you to suffer.
Every person we come into contact with, we’re shaped slightly by them.
We take their perception of us very seriously and naturally we change a little bit to be more like them- or at least “likeable” by them. It’s really a sub conscious thing that we have to somehow consciously break.
We have to be intentional about being real with ourselves and prioritizing our health.
We have to be intentional about boundaries and seeking people who support us when we need it and push us to be better.
We have to seek people who will not become co dependent because as important as relationships are- codependency on anyone but God will add gasoline to an already roaring fire that we can’t seem to see or smell until it’s too late.
Friend, I know what it’s like to be the one walking away and setting boundaries. I also know what it’s like to be deeply wounded from people you trusted who betrayed you and walked away without a second glance.
But you were made for more. You were made for healthy, uplifting and empowering community. You were made to be loved and God places people into our lives for a season but he also removes them because it’s time for him to move you into a season of solitude to focus on Him or a season of someone who will support you in a different way. A way you don’t even realize you need.
Rather than holding your palm closed and hanging on for dear life to those who aren’t for you anymore, I encourage you to release that palm and start walking in your life. Soon enough you will see those who are supposed to be there walking along side you. Confident in their path. And when you find those life long friends it won’t be because you clung on like a leach, it’ll be because your paths kept crossing even if they don’t always stay parallel.
So start praying for healing. Don’t carry that baggage into new friendships, leave those insecurities at the door and welcome in the new.
Set boundaries and stick with them.
Girl STOP stalking that girl on instagram from high school that you still want approval from. It’s not worth it. Seriously. Stop.
Become the friend you want to be - for yourself first and it will naturally carry into others lives.
Friendships are hard but the right people will understand and love you and they’ll keep working through the suck.
It’s up to you to continue to pursue your own health so that you can show up for others in a positive way. But the right people will also support you through the highs and lows of that journey, you just have to let them.
So next time your heart yearns for that friendship that is no longer, remember that you are being protected from something that is not yours and then keep your head high, live life, and keep praying.
Pray for the kind of people you want in your life.
Pray for strong friendships with those who are deeply rooted in Jesus.
Pray for people who will walk with you and who will love you just as much in your lows as they do in your highs.
Pray for people who won’t abandon you when things get hard.
Pray for people who are kind and speak kindly of others even when they’re not around.
Pray for people who will encourage you in your faith and your relationship and in your roles as a wife, a mother or whatever it is.
Pray for friends the way you pray or prayed for your spouse.
And then watch God work.
It may take time, He’s not a genie in a bottle, but just watch Him.
Keep your eyes open for opportunities to meet people and ask Him for discernment when you do. Introduce yourself and don’t be afraid to put yourself out there- no matter how badly you’ve burned- because you trust that God is going to show you who your people are.
This season of loneliness won’t last forever and you can take comfort in that you’re truly not alone, even when it feels like it.
Solidarity sister.
Thank you so much for listening in this week, I encourage you to keep coming back for more encouragement and to find solidarity in our shared experiences. If you’d like to share your own story, I would love to have you on. Just shoot me a message on Instagram - @riley_quin or send me an email- riley@rileyq.com and we’ll talk!
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As always, I’m so glad you’re here.
You’re wanted, needed and loved.
I see you, I hear you and you my love, by the grace of God, you are enough.