I Am A Rose
Welcome to the Solidarity podcast,
where we share stories to connect with one another, find comfort in life’s challenges & to celebrate the solidarity that is..
being a woman.
Today I want to share a little revelation I had while rocking my son to sleep & looking at my withering bouquet from Valentine’s Day. The bouquet was kinda redemptive from Valentine’s days of years past but that’s a story for another day. But as I was looking at it I realized, I am like a rose.
When I’m connected to my roots, I flourish. But when I’m cut off from my life source it looks pretty for a minute, but then I start to wither. And I can dip myself back into water and gain a little life, over and over again, but it’s not sustainable and eventually I will fade away and dry up completely.
It’s a recurring pattern in my life. I tend to cut myself off. Sometimes it’s a good thing or at least it starts off that way. But until I get myself plugged back into a life source, I’m riding the struggle bus.
For instance, friendships.
They’ve never been my strong suit. When I left Michigan I thought I had it all together. I’d be fine on my own, I could FaceTime my old friends and do long distance and I’d be good. That was all fine and well until reality hit and life kicked in. The days between calls got longer, the texts less frequent and soon catch up sessions lasted longer and longer because we didn’t know what was going on in each other’s lives. The history was there but the quality was quickly fading. And part of that was because I was putting my everything on those friendships because they were all I had as I hadn’t made efforts to make new friends. But I wasn’t all that they had, so, it felt very uneven and they couldn’t hold all the pressure and weight I was putting on them.
Now for the watering. I tried dipping my toe in new friendships but they always fizzled out quickly for one reason or another. They were pretty & fun at first but like the cut roses, still ending up withering away in the end.
I needed to get rooted, to put my worth & security in something stronger. Thankfully I did and with time I established stronger friendships with people who were also rooted. It just took time & patience & being intentional about showing up. Quality over quantity.
Another for instance: food & yo yo dieting.
Growing up we were always trying a new way of eating. It was exhausting to my brain and it’s left me with some bad habits. I, like my husband, tend to yo-yo diet. We feed off of each other too which isn’t good, but it’s something we’re working on. We can feel like we’re really grounded and doing good but then we snip that rose and say “hey we’re healthy & good, we can stop the lifestyle now and just live”, only to be right back where we started or worse. It feels great & fun at first but then we feel miserable & insecure and the fun quickly withers away. It’s a challenge to get back to that grounded place where we are pursuing a healthy lifestyle instead of a quick fix diet to make ourselves feel better in the temporary.
I could talk about a lot of other ways I do this to myself but I think the most important one that I need to work on the most is staying rooted & consistent with my relationship with God & getting in the Bible daily. I remember in youth group I used to cringe & beat myself up because I could never succeed at the Bible reading plans & challenges. I just didn’t make it a priority & I would forget. I would go weeks without prayer.
Even now I have a hard time with the whole “be slow to anger” thing. I snap and then I have to pray for forgiveness. Whereas, I’d like to be in a place where prayer precedes and I can avoid the anger altogether.
I go through these spurts where I am super plugged in, really grounded & connected to Jesus. But then things will be going really well for me and I’ll be happy and my mental health will be in a great place and slowly but surely I start to fade away from those habits.
I focus on less fulfilling and temporary and shiny things. And then something will go wrong & I’ll inevitably come running back. Almost like God was trying to get my attention or something. But that’s not how I want it to be. I want to worship & be present & loved in the highs and the lows- not just the lows. I know God wants every part of it.
So I’m working on it. Instead of loading myself up I’m getting real about my priorities and I’m choosing to create habits that support me long term and keep me grounded. I’m getting in routines and setting up systems that help me stay focused on Jesus, that help me show up for my friends and my health. And honestly? Even on the hard days when my anxiety and depression flare up, I’ve never been better. Because I’m grounded. I’m growing back those roots, stronger than ever.
It’s been ongoing for my entire life, and it always will be. I can become a creature of habit & I can get into routines- but eventually something will swiftly kick me out of balance and I’ll have to get up & start again.
And that’s what’s important. Not how long it takes you to get up. Not who helps you get up. Not even who’s there to encourage you when you finally do make it back. It’s just important that you get up and keep going. Leave the judgment and shame that you keep for yourself behind and realize that life Is just a series of ups and downs and you can’t go up if you haven’t gone down first.
So what about you?
Do you feel like you’re a rose?
What area of your life do you feel like you do this to yourself in?
Let me know on my Instagram post today, it’s important to me that we’re having actual conversations & that this isn’t just a one way street. Your voice & stories matter too!
If you enjoyed today’s episode please share with a friend, help me get the word out on social media and if you’re feeling it, subscribe and leave a review to help get it out to others on the algorithm who need to be shown some solidarity! Thanks again for listening and be sure to check back next Wednesday for a new episode! I’m super excited because I will be sharing someone else’s story next week.
As always, I’m so glad you’re here.
You’re wanted, needed and loved.
I see you, I hear you and you my love, by the grace of God, you’re enough.